An Ending

Well I had a super great week with my mom here. We went to Ikea, bought a shit load of stuff. Bought groceries so I wont starve to death and we went to a comedy show; walked around chinatown and all that just had a great time. So it was inevitable that when she would leave I would be sad. But then my friend told me that she was moving back home and she was one of my best friends here and now she is leaving. So I was upset and I cried about that and then I cried about my mom leaving and all that so today which is the last free day of my break I will spend crying because I am just like that. Frig I am gunna miss her, she was my bus buddy and she fed Adam when I go somewhere, who else is gunna feed my fish???

Blog

So today started off as any other Sunday, I got up got ready for work la dee da. So I get to work and it was slow so that sucked, then one of the girls I work with started pulling the shit she usually does which just made my day start to suck. Then no one wanted to buy and all the customers were jackasses so i got really upset and mad. So I didnt know if I was going to cry or punch something so i left. Then I was mad at myself about that because that isnt me, I dont usually give up like that. So I went to the gym to work out some of my frustrations which seemed to help a little bit.
So then I came home and I cleaned my appartment pretty harshly. Its the cleanest it has ever been, it may even be cleaner than the day I rented it ( mind you the lady that lived here wasnt exactly a neat freak) So my mom should be happy about that due to the fact that she is comming tomorrow which I am superly duperly excited about!!!!!
Then Ally sent me some pics of our Gangsta Fest, so my day has started to look up thats for sure. (sorry I tried to add pic but I cant figure it out)

Gangsta Fest '06

Ok, so Gangsta fest rocked. It was sad when it had to come to an end. Mind you I think it was a rough day for everyone. Ally, Evan and Jesse had to go to school so my and Crys were the only ones who actually got to sleep. But I played drinking games for the first time, I didnt do to bad, still had to drink alot though. I need to get quicker at it ha ha, suppose I could practice by myself ha ha. And I met my gals leading men and I approve ha ha ha not like you guys need that but they are awsome. It is just soo funny how drunk Ally got, she is just so funny, I forgot how much I missed those ladies. Trying to teach people to crump was hard when you cannot even stand up ( or do not even know how to crump yourself). I think the broadcasters of "So you think you can dance" should put a warning label on such as "Do not attempt these moves while intoxicated" ha ha ha. Howeve I had a great time and I just want to thank my hostesses for a great time it was nice to get away from Van for a day.

Then today my cousin came over and we hung out it was a great time. We watched the Power Rangers Movie ( yes i own it shut up) and it brought back a lot of memories from back when. Then we watched She's the Man ( i have now seen it 7 times) but I turned off the end because I thought Zoey 101 would be on but it wasnt, so then i switched to Ghost Whisperer and I told Ben he couldnt leave until it was over because I was scared. But so far my break has been good. Mommy comes in 3 days!!!!

What would I do without you

What would I do without my friends? Seriously. No matter what, no matter when they are always here for me making me smile. I love all you guys, you make my world start turning again. Thanks for being there and loving me!!!!

Here we go again

You know this happens to me every now and again and I don't really know why. It's not as if anything triggers it really. But I am going through my 'depression' I suppose I will call it. It happens when I get stressed or angry I guess. But I was fine this morning, just a regular morning, and I WAS having a good day at work until right at the end and I suppose that was what brought this on. The girl I work with is an amazing person but she isn't always the best person to work with, so to make a long story short she stole the last customer of the evening even though she was ahead on sales so she totally killed me in sales which isnt fair because she was just being greedy and there is a lot more behind it but it's all work oriented and all that. So then that got me mad because it makes me look bad to our manager, district manager and owner. So it just makes me feel as though I am not good enough when I look at my sale numbers. So of course thinking I'm not good enough at that makes me think of what else I am not good at. For example I have no life goals, so I suck at life, I suck at being just so many things. If I was more ambitious I could maybe do something meaningful with my life or at least feel like I acomplished something. Then again I suck at being confident and I suck at being me because maybe if I liked myself a little more maybe other people will like me a little more.
Even writing this I don't know who I am. Even as everyone said in our class survey "Stephanie is funny" well maybe I don't want to be known as that. Like is there anything else to me other than "i'm funny". Funny is part of me but it;s not who I am. I act 'funny' because there is so many stuck up fuck heads in this world that I try to make it a little easier to get along. But maybe I want to be known as nice or generous hard working, loving, a great person. And I suppose my friends will all say that I am those things but I don't think other people see it.
There are people in this world that make me feel miserable about myself, they make me hate myself. For example taking something I said, twisting my words NOT EVEN ASKING ME what they meant then making me the bad guy telling EVERYONE what I DID but not bother clearing it with me what I meant in the first place. So that right there makes me feel how I do, how can taking who I am and telling everyone what a horrible person I am make me feel better. It doesnt, it just makes this person feel better about themselves because they are turning it all about them which is what they do with everything. It just doesnt make fucking sense to me. Because I would not personally try to victimize this person like they are doing to me.

So there we go this is how I feel I feel like crying I feel like hiting something and I feel like giving in. I get to this point and I just don't know what to do how to go about it and how to fix it. This always happens right when I think that my life is starting to get good. One person has to go and fuck it all up. THANKS

Songs for thought

The song by the Frays is probably one of my favorites right now, for some reason I just feel like I connect to it or something, but if you havent downloaded it already you should probably do so because it is great.

"How to save a life"

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Then of course there is JoJo and on SO MANY leavels this song is just me. It makes me feel like a stalker

"Secret Love"

Boy you’re so hard to believe
Boy you’re so hard to believe

Just a friend
That’s all I’ve ever been to you
Oh just a girl
Who wants to be the center of your world
But I ain’t got much to offer
But my heart and soul
And I guess that’s not enough
For you to notice me
I’m just a girl And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you To you

I try to smile when I see other girls with you Acting like everything is ok
But ohh
You don’t know how it feels to be so in love With someone who doesn’t even know
My secret love

In my dreams I see us both together constantly Why can’t you see
This love that’s here for you inside of me
Ohhh
What do I have to do
For you to notice this
You look at her with love
With me it’s just friendship
I’m just your girl
And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you

I try to smile when I see other girls with you Acting like everything is ok
But ohh
you don’t know how it feels to be so in love
With someone who doesn’t even know
My secret love

What do you see in her
You don’t see in me (don’t see in me)
Boy you’re so hard to believe
Why do you show her love
But there’s none for me
Boy you don’t make sense to me
Cause I don’t have much to offer
But my heart and soul
And I guess that’s not enough
For you to notice me I’m just your girl
And I guess that’s all I’ll ever be to you
To you

I try to smile when I see other girls with you Acting like everything is ok (everything ain’t ok) But ohh
you don’t know how it feels to be so in love (so in love with you baby)
With someone who doesn’t even know
My secret love
Boy you’re so hard to believe

The Black Dahlia

Ok so today was a great day, frig my life is looking up. So today was the last day of school, so I finished all my stuff and handed it in so it was a huge weight off my shoulders. So I came home and had a nap, then I got up showered and headed off to the movies with Britney. We went to Red Robin for dinner and we were having such a great time being a bunch of jackasses that we lost track of time so we had to make it downtown in 20 mins, so We got to the theater, after a lot of running ( and I don't know if you know that when i run and attempt to laugh I bark shall we say), so the line up for tickets was HUGE, but we got there in time for the previews we just missed a couple.

Right so we went to see the Black Dahlia featuring Josh Hartnet, Scarlette Johanson, Aaron Echart and Hilary Swank. I wont go into detail because I know how you hate that Crystal, but it was good, they did a great job of making it look like it was the 1940's. It wasn't as gory as I thought it would be, but it had its moments. there was a lot of swearing and some nudity and some uncomfortable parts but on the brightside you do get to see Josh's bum. But all in all I rate it a very good movie, I give it 4.5 stars out of 5.

BUT, after the movie ended me and Britney caught the bus and so I decided I would walk home rather than wait for a bus and i think that may have been a stupid idea I was sacred all the way home, not like the movie was scary but you know I don't fancy ending up in a back ally with my body cut into 2 peices. ha ha ha geez I'm effed up.

So I think I had so much frickin fun!!!

Ok so on tuesday me and Britney and the people she lives with headed down to Seattle for the premire of the 'So you think you can dance' tour. It was a long ass trip down there, so we got there at around 4 so we had a couple of hours to kill so we went to this mall and they had a Macys and Nordstroms, and Hollister and all the stores we don't have here. So me and Britney were wandering around the mall and so we went into a matress store and we got our sleep numbers, my sleo number is 40.

So THEN it was time to head to the theater!!!!!! So we get there and we were in a big line up and apparently just before we got there all the dancers were wandering around, so I was mad that we missed that. So we get into the theater and the people we went with OF COURSE took the good seats so we were shafted to the top mezanine back row. So me and Britney were pretty frickin upset about that but once the show started it didnt really matter anymore. Still a part of my heart wished I was closer so I could see the sweat gleam on Dimtrys chisled abs, and the highlights in Travis fauxhawk and even Hidi's ugly face. But we could stil see them shaking their grove things. And it was just amazing to see them do my favorite dances such as the Sexy Back dance, The Sunflower dance, the Umbrella dance, the 'why?' dance, and the Ramala dance. And they made some new ones for the tour, Travis coriographed a contempory peice that he and Natalie danced and there was a few more that were just amazing. It just turned out to be the best thing I have ever done and been to in my whole entire life. Once Britney burns the DVD of the dance clips she took I will see if I can post them. But it was great and I just cant dtop thinking about it.

FUNFUNFUN

Ok so I have one more week of stress then it is gunna be fun times for 2 WEEKS!!!. The first week I am heading to Naniamo to stay with Ally and Crystal for a few days and see there new place. It will be frickin amazing cuz I miss those little ladies sooooo much. Then I have to head back to van and work for the weekend THEN my mommy is comming to visit with me for the 2nd wek and I am really frickin excited about that too. She is gunna take me to superstore and Ikea which is goodtimes. But i am off to bed Love ya'll

Decided????

Ok so I think that I have come to the decision that I have to move. The rent here is sooo exspensive and it's sooo hard to get all that money together. I am still gunna live by myself thats for frickin sure. the only sad thing is that I have gotten so cozyily set up here and all, I dunno I will have to talk to my mom, it all boils down to her decision ( I know I know) what can I say I'm a mommas girl.

Ridiculous

You know it's pretty ridiculous I have lived in this appartment for 2 months and 6 days now and there is still unpacking to be done. You think that I would have finished that by now cuz the place isnt THAT big, but NOOO. The Den is still a wreck, but I have got most of it unpacked I even re-arranged my linen closet, things fit a lot better in there now ha ha. But little by little it's starting to look livable. I finally got some pictures up and around so it doesnt look so sparce but you can only put so many holes in walls.

And thanks to my dearest momma my emotions about money and ecetera are lulled because she flowed me some cash like she always does she always comes through for me. I love her to peices and I dont know what I would do without her really. So I don't know how I can make it up to her for being so great but I know she really likes my bamboo plant so I suppose I will go to Chinatown to get her one it's a start anyways.

The Good, Bad and the Ugly

Ok So yesterday (and very early this morning) I had such a good time and now I am sitting here wiping tears off my cheeks. Why you ask? Because I am a girl and thats what I do. First of all I had a rough day at work, mostly because I had a hangover( just a little one but still) and then realizing there is 2 weeks left of this semester and I have so much stuff to do that I cannot even count it on one hand!!!! That is why I am crying, because I am stressed to the fucking max. And you know it's been a rough day when you open up the "Sad Times" file on your iTunes, so yea now you are kinda caught up, so I will sit here and maybe cry a little more and listen to a bit more of my stuff, heres a sampler of some songs that get to grace my presence tonight : "How do I let go"-Martina McBride , "Hurt" - Johnny Cash , "Never is a promise" -Fiona Apple, "it's okay to cry" - Amanda Wilkinson, and of course the staple "All by myself" it's not a sad night without that one, If you got any other ones that I can add to my list (mind you that wasnt all of my list but your comments are appriciated) so yea tell me some songs there are probably plenty I do not have here.